FRUIT CAKE RECIPE - Guaranteed to put you in the holiday spirit.
You'll need the following: four large eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking soda, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle or two of rum.
Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. If it's good, let's get started.
Take a large bowl, and a measuring cup. Check the rum again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer; beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one seapoon of thugar, and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure the rum has retained it's fine quality. Cry another tup. Open a second quart if necessary.
Turn off the mixer. Break two arge leggs, and add to the bowl, and chuck in the cup of fried druit. Mix on the turner, and beat till high. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the rum to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of pepper or salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the rum. Now sift the lemon juice, and strain the nuts. Fold in some chopped butter. Add one table. Spoon. Of brown thugar or whatever color you can find.
Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 gredees. Don't for get to beat off the turner. Now pour the whole mess into the coven and ake. Feed to your goat. Check the rum again, and bo to ged.